Tell It Like It Is Grandma, Tell It Like It Is!

My 30th birthday was yesterday and I celebrated with a homecooked meal at my mom’s house last night. My grandmother was there and, without my knowledge, my mother had given her a Jim Beam and Coke right before I arrived. Here are some of the best quotes of the night:

“How many housewives shows do we need? Housewives? That’s a joke. It’s more like the hookers of Washington, DC.”

“These girls are so immodest. What happened to clothes? I can’t even look at this anymore.” – I was showing her pictures of an aquaintence of mine who is in the new Hooters calendar…

“Maybe you all ought to do a calendar?” – after seeing pictures of my friends and I dressed up for my birthday night on the town…she was serious and I wasn’t sure if I should be offended (RE: her Hooters girl comments) or take it as a compliment…

“Next time you go out, find a husband.” – that was what she said to me as I was literally walking out the door to go home…she’s sneaky, that Grandma of mine, because she knew by saying it to me at that moment I had no chance to respond (object)…

My uncle is coming to visit this weekend and I’m positive his presence will inspire many blog-worthy comments and actions from my grandma. Can’t wait to share!

Technology Strikes Again

Just wanted to post a brief update regarding the Kitchenaid stand mixer that my Grandmother ‘bought’ online last week.

Ends up she didn’t exactly buy it. She managed to put it in her online shopping cart but whatever she did after that point is a mystery – I can tell you what she didn’t do and that’s finish her order and checkout.

I found out about the mixer debacle in an email from my grandmother with the subject line ‘I just saved $55′. The email was only a couple of sentences and basically said that she didn’t finish her online order and that she hoped I was feeling better. There was no mention of price, savings, coupons, etc. so I am still totally baffled as to who/what/how/where/when she saved the $55 or if that even relates to the mixer at all.

Supposedly, the mixer has now been ordered and will be delivered sometime next week. For now I’m sticking with one of my favorite mottos, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Who Needs Clean Clothes Anyways?

My mom called me last night for her daily check-in (yes, I’m almost 30 years old but if I don’t communicate with my mom every day she thinks I’ve driven my car off an embankment and am dying a slow death) and passed along a hilarious story about my Grandmother.

I haven’t seen my Grandmother in about a week. Our last visit ended with me in tears at the dining room table telling her and my mother about how I think an intestinal parasite has invaded my body – at that point I hadn’t eaten in three days so my nerves were pretty much shot. After she consoled me my Grandmother tried to change the subject by telling me about a new show she started watching. “What’s the show?”, I asked. “It’s called Explorer,” she replied. I asked her what the show is about, trying to play along, and good old grandma replied, “Exploring things.” She refused to share any further details. God I love her.

Now, on to the point of this post. As I was talking to my mom last night about my upcoming appointment with the stomach specialist she told me she just had a very interesting conversation with my Grandmother. Apparently, my Grandmother decided to order a brand new top of the line Kitchenaid stand mixer. No doubt she ordered it off of Amazon using the new Ipad. Her rationale for the purchase, “I know I shouldn’t but I WANTED it so I BOUGHT it!” That was followed up by, “And when I go to my great reward in the sky, Wolf can have it.” I’m wolf by the way. This is actually good news to me because the rate I’m going there is no wedding registry in my near future.

My mom had no objection to the purchase except for a few small details. Details that clearly my grandmother hadn’t thought about much. First of all, all of you who own this mixer (or have seen one in use) know how heavy it is. It’s not something that is easy to move around, especially not for an 80-year-old woman who can’t even bring in her own groceries. My Grandmother had a simple solution for this problem, “I’ll just put it on top of the washing machine.” How laundry will continue to get done is still up for debate.

The next issue is very basic and involves delivery of the mixer. Unless my Grandmother is hiding some massive muscles underneath those moomoos then I’m not sure how she plans on getting the mixer from her doorstep, out of the box and on to its final resting place – which may or may not involve a washing machine. She was unable to tell my mom when the mixer was scheduled to be delivered so right now it’s a crap shoot. My mom claims it will just have to sit on her porch until one of us can go and move it inside. I take that to mean until I can go and move it inside. My mom asked my Grandmother to call me and tell me about the mixer and ask for my help moving it and my Grandmother replied, “I am not about to call and bother her. She’s busy and she doesn’t feel well. You tell her.” Have I told you how much I love this woman?

The final issue is pretty straightforward – my Grandmother doesn’t bake anymore. Like almost never. With the exception of a birthday cake here and there and maybe a batch or two of homeade biscuits, I can’t figure out exactly what she will use the mixer for. But, then again, this is the same Grandmother with an Ipad, high speed wireless internet service and two flast screen televisions.  

My mom is now insisting that I go over to my Grandmother’s house this weekend to re-arrange her kitchen counters to make space for the new addition. She doesn’t care where I put it as long as it’s not on the washing machine. But, I’m telling you now, if that’s where grandma wants it that’s where it’s gonna go. Can’t wait to see how this all plays out. My Grandmother does worship the ground I walk on as my mom likes to say, but she doesn’t always take too kindly to people messing around in her kitchen. I have a feeling added to my list of weekly grandmother-related chores will be *Move mixer from washing machine.

I’m guessing that I either leave her house this weekend with a brand new mixer or a brand new migraine.

Sex Bomb

On Friday evening I called my Grandmother to get some suggestions for cooking the fresh shrimp she bought for me at the farmer’s market. After she gave me a few ideas the conversation shifted to her current favorite pasttime……

Grandmother: You know what I’m doing right now?

Me: I don’t know, being held as a knitting hostage by mom?

Grandmother: No, she wishes. I am watching the video for Tom Jones’ song, Sex Bomb, on my Ipad. I watched it last night too. I think I’m going to watch it every night before I go to bed. You should too!

Then she told me some crazy story about women throwing their panties at Tom Jones at his concerts.

Although I am slightly disturbed by this newest pasttime of hers it has given me some great gift ideas for her upcoming 80th birthday…………..

Selective Alzheimer's

During my most recent Ipad tutoring session with my grandmother, I entered all her contacts from her old email account on WebTv to her contact list on the Ipad so that they would show up in her new email account. It was a very overwhelming process for her because she is the most impatient person on the planet and I guess it was taking me too long to enter all the information. In case you’re curious her contact list consists of about 10 people, almost half of which are immediate relatives. I got done entering all the people she asked me to and I noticed my Aunt’s (my grandmother’s son’s wife) information wasn’t there. However, my Uncle and cousin’s email were on the list she gave me. I decided to inquire about it and this is how it went…..

ME: Do you want to enter Susan’s email address? You have John (my uncle) and Sara’s (my cousin) on your list already.

GRANDMOTHER: No. I don’t know her.

She doesn’t know her? My Aunt has been married to my grandma’s only son for 20 years and has given her a grandchild.

Like Project Runway….you’re either in or you’re out. Looks like someone is out.

Wanna come over for dinner at my house?

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but that doesn’t mean Grandma hasn’t been up to her old tricks. So much has happened in the past month I can’t begin to include it all in this post so I’m going to hit the high points.

It’s official, my grandmother is getting a 32G Ipad on July 16th (otherwise known to me as d-day). My uncle has her set up with wireless internet and cancelled her WebTv subscription. I have been enlisted as  her technical advisor on all things Ipad. So far, the only conversation I’ve had with her about it revolved around her irrational fear that she will ‘lose the signal’ on the Ipad and not be able to order things on Amazon – she seems to think of the Ipad as a big cell phone and, in turn, she thinks it will drop a signal all the time and she won’t be able to use it. She also ‘heard someone talking about it on tv’ – I’m almost positive what she heard was in reference to the new Iphone but even explaining to her that there is such a thing as an Iphone is a conversation I’m not ready for. I tried explaining how the wireless internet signal is inside of her actual house and that unless she planned on taking the Ipad out of the house (when hell freezes over) she won’t have a problem with the signal. I’m still not sure if she believes me. Please pray for me. It took me 3 weeks to teach her how to use a universal remote control.

Last night, I went to my grandmother’s to eat dinner with my mom, uncle and cousin (who are visiting from DC). I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but my mom has an intense fear and distaste for blood, needles, body fluids, etc. It’s a fear I enjoy exploiting. Once when I was 13 I broke my wrist really badly during a soccer game. My mom was there and she was so freaked out by what my arm looked like (it was a compound fracture) that when my trainer asked her to go get something to brace my arm with she came back with a tree branch. A huge tree branch that could in no way shape or form be used for any bracing purposes. She was also white as a ghost and another team parent had to take her under a tree in the shade so she wouldn’t pass out. Meanwhile I’m the one with a bone sticking out of my arm and I was casually laying in the middle of the field waiting for the ambulance. That’s just to give you some background……. So before my uncle and cousin arrived I was just sitting and talking with my mom and grandmother. I recently got a pretty bad scrape/grass burn on my knee during a soccer game and it’s in that stage where the skin is growing back but it’s sort of goopy looking. I’ve been telling my mom about it for a week and she says she doesn’t want to hear any details and she DOES NOT want to see it. I decided last night before dinner was the perfect time to introduce her to the scab. I had on shorts so it wasn’t too hard. I lifted my leg up and put it almost directly on her face, it took her a second to realize what was happening but as soon as she did she started shreiking and screaming “get it away, get it away’. This led me to a little game I like to play called What Would You Do If. I asked her what she would do if I was on my deathbed and the only way I could be saved was for her to lick my scab. She hesitated for a moment and then said ‘I guess I’d be licking it’. Really convincing mom. She then told me she doesn’t think I’m her daughter and that there must have been a mixup at the hospital.

Fast forward to dinner and we’re all sitting at the table chatting about work, my cousin starting high school, etc. and out of nowhere my mom shrieks and jumps out of her chair. She glares at my grandmother, who was sitting directly next to her, and says ‘Don’t do that. That was disgusting! I’m trying to eat!’ Apparently my grandmother had rubbed her big toe, the one that is missing a toenail, on my mom’s leg under the table. My grandmother, with a completely straight face, said ‘Oh I was just trying to get the cat to stop rubbing on you under the table’ – the cat wasn’t anywhere near the table at that point.  That big toe is like my mom’s kryptonite, it terrifies her and my grandmother always finds ways to torture her with it. For the rest of the meal my mom sat at the corner of the table so that she was out of toe’s reach. I swear my grandmother just keeps getting funnier every day. During the exchange, my grandmother also flicked my mom the bird using American sign language. Another one of her classic moves.

The final story I’ll share is a conversation between my mom and grandmother about my uncle’s recent visit:

Mom: John and Sara are going to come visit the first week of July because he has some time off from work and she is out of school. They’re going to help you get everything set up for the Ipad and John can help with some of the things in the yard you need done.

Grandmother: Why are they coming back here so soon?

She cuts like a knife and I love every second of it.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow…..

Here’s just one of the hilariously entertaining conversations that took place during my Mother’s Day dinner with my mom and grandmother…..

Me: Which famous couple is it that named their kid Rainbow?

Grandmother: I have no idea but I bet it was a black and a white person (she said while glaring at me).

Incidentally, she was correct. It was Ice T and Coco. Leave it to my grandmother to connect the word ‘rainbow’ with interracial marriage.