Wanna come over for dinner at my house?

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but that doesn’t mean Grandma hasn’t been up to her old tricks. So much has happened in the past month I can’t begin to include it all in this post so I’m going to hit the high points.

It’s official, my grandmother is getting a 32G Ipad on July 16th (otherwise known to me as d-day). My uncle has her set up with wireless internet and cancelled her WebTv subscription. I have been enlisted as  her technical advisor on all things Ipad. So far, the only conversation I’ve had with her about it revolved around her irrational fear that she will ‘lose the signal’ on the Ipad and not be able to order things on Amazon – she seems to think of the Ipad as a big cell phone and, in turn, she thinks it will drop a signal all the time and she won’t be able to use it. She also ‘heard someone talking about it on tv’ – I’m almost positive what she heard was in reference to the new Iphone but even explaining to her that there is such a thing as an Iphone is a conversation I’m not ready for. I tried explaining how the wireless internet signal is inside of her actual house and that unless she planned on taking the Ipad out of the house (when hell freezes over) she won’t have a problem with the signal. I’m still not sure if she believes me. Please pray for me. It took me 3 weeks to teach her how to use a universal remote control.

Last night, I went to my grandmother’s to eat dinner with my mom, uncle and cousin (who are visiting from DC). I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but my mom has an intense fear and distaste for blood, needles, body fluids, etc. It’s a fear I enjoy exploiting. Once when I was 13 I broke my wrist really badly during a soccer game. My mom was there and she was so freaked out by what my arm looked like (it was a compound fracture) that when my trainer asked her to go get something to brace my arm with she came back with a tree branch. A huge tree branch that could in no way shape or form be used for any bracing purposes. She was also white as a ghost and another team parent had to take her under a tree in the shade so she wouldn’t pass out. Meanwhile I’m the one with a bone sticking out of my arm and I was casually laying in the middle of the field waiting for the ambulance. That’s just to give you some background……. So before my uncle and cousin arrived I was just sitting and talking with my mom and grandmother. I recently got a pretty bad scrape/grass burn on my knee during a soccer game and it’s in that stage where the skin is growing back but it’s sort of goopy looking. I’ve been telling my mom about it for a week and she says she doesn’t want to hear any details and she DOES NOT want to see it. I decided last night before dinner was the perfect time to introduce her to the scab. I had on shorts so it wasn’t too hard. I lifted my leg up and put it almost directly on her face, it took her a second to realize what was happening but as soon as she did she started shreiking and screaming “get it away, get it away’. This led me to a little game I like to play called What Would You Do If. I asked her what she would do if I was on my deathbed and the only way I could be saved was for her to lick my scab. She hesitated for a moment and then said ‘I guess I’d be licking it’. Really convincing mom. She then told me she doesn’t think I’m her daughter and that there must have been a mixup at the hospital.

Fast forward to dinner and we’re all sitting at the table chatting about work, my cousin starting high school, etc. and out of nowhere my mom shrieks and jumps out of her chair. She glares at my grandmother, who was sitting directly next to her, and says ‘Don’t do that. That was disgusting! I’m trying to eat!’ Apparently my grandmother had rubbed her big toe, the one that is missing a toenail, on my mom’s leg under the table. My grandmother, with a completely straight face, said ‘Oh I was just trying to get the cat to stop rubbing on you under the table’ – the cat wasn’t anywhere near the table at that point.  That big toe is like my mom’s kryptonite, it terrifies her and my grandmother always finds ways to torture her with it. For the rest of the meal my mom sat at the corner of the table so that she was out of toe’s reach. I swear my grandmother just keeps getting funnier every day. During the exchange, my grandmother also flicked my mom the bird using American sign language. Another one of her classic moves.

The final story I’ll share is a conversation between my mom and grandmother about my uncle’s recent visit:

Mom: John and Sara are going to come visit the first week of July because he has some time off from work and she is out of school. They’re going to help you get everything set up for the Ipad and John can help with some of the things in the yard you need done.

Grandmother: Why are they coming back here so soon?

She cuts like a knife and I love every second of it.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow…..

Here’s just one of the hilariously entertaining conversations that took place during my Mother’s Day dinner with my mom and grandmother…..

Me: Which famous couple is it that named their kid Rainbow?

Grandmother: I have no idea but I bet it was a black and a white person (she said while glaring at me).

Incidentally, she was correct. It was Ice T and Coco. Leave it to my grandmother to connect the word ‘rainbow’ with interracial marriage.

All Quiet on the Grandma Front

I am in shock. We had our family Easter dinner on Sunday at my mom’s house (me, mom, grandma, uncle, cousin) and my grandma was completely and utterly under control. She did not use one curse word, didn’t mention her desire to smoke pot or catnip, didn’t criticize my cousin’s decision to eat nothing but starches, consumed no alcohol and only refused to eat one item on the menu.

Some may speculate that Grandma held her tongue due to the nature of the holiday – unless Jesus himself came down and spoke directly to my grandma, this explanation just doesn’t fly. The ONLY explanation I can come up with is that my mom made her take some sort of sedative before the meal. Either that or she spiked my grandma’s Diet Coke with liquor.

Grandma needs a dealer and apparently my mom is the pusher.

PS – We have another family dinner scheduled for tonight. Considering the fact that since I’ve been at work my uncle has called 4 times and left me 2 voicemails, I have a feeling that grandma is in one heck of a mood today. Hopefully tonight’s events will make up for our peaceful Easter 😉

Who needs toilet paper anyways?

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday so we celebrated at her house with a nice homecooked and healthy meal – although the meal was prepared by the birthday girl at the request of……you guessed it, Grandmother. But this is par for the course since my grandmother ‘retired’ from cooking about 7 or 8 years ago. Those have been the saddesst 7 or 8 years of my life!!!!!!

An even funnier piece of that story is that my grandmother requested that my mom prepare ‘that dish you and Anne cooked…it was delicious…I think I’d like that for YOUR birthday dinner.’

BACKSTORY – my grandmother never actually tasted the meal referred to in this request but had only heard my mom and Anne rave about how good it was; this should have been the first sign of trouble

So, dinner is ready and my mom starts serving (on her own birthday..hopefully you’re beginning to see the theme) my grandmother. My grandmother will accept only 1 very small piece of chicken, a few steamed veggies, applesauce  and a piece of toasted pita bread. All the while she seemed a little confused about the menu and was looking strangely at the things going on to her plate. Then the truth came out.

1. My grandmother actually wanted my mom to make sweet and sour chicken – a dish she and my mother had made and enjoyed. Somehow that got translated into the ‘that dish you and Anne cooked’
2. My grandmother didn’t want to eat any more chicken (even with my mom urging her to) because a couple of hours before she had a moment of weakness and went to Stamey’s for barbeque

At least we tried. I surprised my mom with homeade cupcakes delivered by an old friend of mine who use to be in my girl scout troop when my mom was a leader. The cupcakes were delicious and I made sure to get a coconut one for my grandmother – to make up for the homeade one made by my mother over Christmas that was rejected!

After dinner, my mom and grandmother had a knitting lesson. My grandmother is a master knitter but one who has no patience. My mom wants to make a baby blanket for one of my best friends who is having a baby in a few months.

My grandmother told her what kind of yarn to buy (big and fluffy were her words) and was going to help her get it started – or cast on the stitch for all you Knitting fans out there. I’d say it took my grandmother about 2.5 minutes before she told my mom there was no way she (my mom) could do this and she needed to get some different yarn. My mom protested saying that the whole purpose of the more difficult, yet much more fluffy, yarn was so that the blanket would actually be fluffy and soft, seeing that it is going to be covering a new baby!

So they tried a while longer. I started cleaning my mom’s kitchen, half as a birthday present and half because I wanted an unobstructed view of the knitting extravaganza. I heard phrases such as “You have to grip it!” — “Oh you’ll do it alright!” — “Now. I need you to look HERE VERY CLOSELY” — “You’ve done it wrong again” –“I just can’t do it”

The knitting lesson ended rather abruptly when my grandmother pretty much summed up her thoughts on the matter:

“I know what this nice fluffy yarn would be nice for. Use it in the bathroom.” Read between the lines folks. Read between the lines.

Happy birthday mom. At least you can save on Charmin.

A New Valentine's Day Greeting

Yesterday I ate lunch with my mom and grandmother to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Maybe ‘celebrate’ isn’t the best choice of word…..

My grandmother has a funny, in fact hilarious, little trick she plays on my mother. She will look into her purse and tell my mom she has something to give her. Then she raises up her hand and flips my mom the bird.

During yesterday’s Valentine’s Day ‘celebration’ my grandmother decided that the new symbol for the holiday should be, you guessed it, the middle finger. Sporadically throughout the meal she kept flipping us off while simultaneously saying “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

I can just see the greeting card version now.