Who needs toilet paper anyways?

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday so we celebrated at her house with a nice homecooked and healthy meal – although the meal was prepared by the birthday girl at the request of……you guessed it, Grandmother. But this is par for the course since my grandmother ‘retired’ from cooking about 7 or 8 years ago. Those have been the saddesst 7 or 8 years of my life!!!!!!

An even funnier piece of that story is that my grandmother requested that my mom prepare ‘that dish you and Anne cooked…it was delicious…I think I’d like that for YOUR birthday dinner.’

BACKSTORY – my grandmother never actually tasted the meal referred to in this request but had only heard my mom and Anne rave about how good it was; this should have been the first sign of trouble

So, dinner is ready and my mom starts serving (on her own birthday..hopefully you’re beginning to see the theme) my grandmother. My grandmother will accept only 1 very small piece of chicken, a few steamed veggies, applesauce  and a piece of toasted pita bread. All the while she seemed a little confused about the menu and was looking strangely at the things going on to her plate. Then the truth came out.

1. My grandmother actually wanted my mom to make sweet and sour chicken – a dish she and my mother had made and enjoyed. Somehow that got translated into the ‘that dish you and Anne cooked’
2. My grandmother didn’t want to eat any more chicken (even with my mom urging her to) because a couple of hours before she had a moment of weakness and went to Stamey’s for barbeque

At least we tried. I surprised my mom with homeade cupcakes delivered by an old friend of mine who use to be in my girl scout troop when my mom was a leader. The cupcakes were delicious and I made sure to get a coconut one for my grandmother – to make up for the homeade one made by my mother over Christmas that was rejected!

After dinner, my mom and grandmother had a knitting lesson. My grandmother is a master knitter but one who has no patience. My mom wants to make a baby blanket for one of my best friends who is having a baby in a few months.

My grandmother told her what kind of yarn to buy (big and fluffy were her words) and was going to help her get it started – or cast on the stitch for all you Knitting fans out there. I’d say it took my grandmother about 2.5 minutes before she told my mom there was no way she (my mom) could do this and she needed to get some different yarn. My mom protested saying that the whole purpose of the more difficult, yet much more fluffy, yarn was so that the blanket would actually be fluffy and soft, seeing that it is going to be covering a new baby!

So they tried a while longer. I started cleaning my mom’s kitchen, half as a birthday present and half because I wanted an unobstructed view of the knitting extravaganza. I heard phrases such as “You have to grip it!” — “Oh you’ll do it alright!” — “Now. I need you to look HERE VERY CLOSELY” — “You’ve done it wrong again” –“I just can’t do it”

The knitting lesson ended rather abruptly when my grandmother pretty much summed up her thoughts on the matter:

“I know what this nice fluffy yarn would be nice for. Use it in the bathroom.” Read between the lines folks. Read between the lines.

Happy birthday mom. At least you can save on Charmin.